The weekend after the week before.

I woke up this morning feeling physically exhausted. My thighs were throbbing, the curve of my back aching & my arms being dragged back into the mattress under the weight of themselves. Yesterday was a long day at work, but it was a wonderful day. I've only had this job for 5 months but already I've made one of the biggest waves the company could have hoped for. I've started something new. I love it. I love my job.

It's so refreshing to hear those words come from other people's mouths - & now I startle myself that they come out of my own. Until now I was never entirely aware it was possible to derive so much enjoyment out of your day. That's not to say that there's not a balance of having to work exceptionally hard and perform some genuinely dull tasks - but in the world of academia from which I have only half surfaced, there was no happiness for me. Working deadline to deadline with theories and abstracts & never quite feeling comfortable that I was good enough (despite receiving the highest grades I still felt like a charlatan & that somehow, someone would trip me up & catch me out) did not suit me one iota.

My only half-wish (because regrets are against my philosophy) is that I had had the presence of mind & support from those around me to realise this earlier before I dragged my youth kicking & screaming through subjects I wasn't interested in. However, hindsight is always such a delightful tool to use to wind yourself up - & I know that I had to do everything I've done so far in order to truly learn what I needed to learn. You only stop doing things to yourself that are bad for you when you genuinely have that lightbulb moment of understanding. It's much like having recurring nightmares, where your mind will continue to play back the dream each night until you do something in the conscious world to change your situation. I've had my lightbulb moment at last - after 6 years of discomfort.

I'm still unfortunately tied to (a currently rather disorganised) academia until the middle of this year. Which is why after this blog post I'm going to have to run around like a headless chicken preparing presentations for the coming week. The weekend after the week before for me right now is essays & preparation for submission of assignments I don't really care about anymore. I try to have a social life & manage on some occasions but it's stunted. The only thing that keeps me going - as I'm well over half way into this course now that I've had my lightbulb moment so it'd be more of a waste of my time to give up than to see it through - is the thought of the weekend after the week before when I'm not longer a slave to that world.

I'd have woken up this morning feeling physically exhausted. My thighs would be throbbing, the curve of my back aching & my arms being dragged back into the mattress under the weight of themselves. I'd have smiled & rolled over for a few minutes until I was ready to greet the day, maybe ponder over having a lazy day in with some Austen books, or a walk in the park, or having some friends over to play boardgames (an old favourite of mine), drink & enjoy each other's company. I'd love my job, because I love my job. But I'll love my life; live my life in the new weekend after the week before.